I ran out of coffee the other week. Not that I really noticed since I've been
drinking all this damn Red Bull. But I still would like to have a coffee in the
morning. It was a good sign when my friend Heather showed up the other day
begging me to fix her brother's computer that had been infested with porn
pop-ups and spyware (and about 1000 viruses, virii, whatever).
"OK, I'll fix it, I need coffee."
"No, I need a can of it, and some milk, no, cream, no half and half, and
some milk, for cereal."
So the computer was dropped off and we took a look at it, making side bets as
to how many virii were detected, and how many spywares were found, I was about
right with 200 virii and 1200 spywares found.
It took a whole 24 hours of running adaware, spybot, cwshredder, editing the
registry and rerunning shit to get everything off of the machine, but after a
few (7) red bulls I declared it free of crap (except, I probably should have
just installed Linux with a XP type theme to avoid the later hassle). I did
install FireFox and removed any reference to IE.
A few funny things always happen when I fix someone else's computer. When I
booted it up, and connected it to the internet for the first time (to update
Norton after I had cleaned it once), AOL Instant Messenger came up.... And I was
immediately showered with messages from high school kids. I did not refuse the
temptation to play with their minds and fuck over the kid that probably screwed
this computer up. I was immediately drawn into the high school world of
boyfriend/girlfriends and gladly chatted about rumors that I was making up on
Please warn your children not to allow AIM to connect on boot up, I think I
seriously destroyed an entire high school coolness hierarchy with a few well
placed messages about sheep love and girlfriends that work side jobs as
strippers. And I had no idea who the fuck I was talking to.
I really am sorry BrewKid1243 and your friends, really sorry, HA HA HA
Anyway, the computer was fixed, and returned in good shape. I'm getting to be
an expert at fixing this shit, the most important lesson I can teach from all of
this? DO NOT USE IE USE MOZILLA!
Oh, and Heather ended up bringing me a very small amount of milk, and a tiny
can of coffee that she obviously bought at the gas station she stopped at before
she came over to pick up the computer.
Heather - Look, it's pretty obvious you made a very lame attempt at getting
me my simple requests. I only asked for: milk, half and half, and coffee. You
brought me: a quart of 2% milk (WTF! Was the gallon size too heavy? and Who
Drinks 2%? I drink beer every day, you think I care about the extra fat!), a
small can of coffee, and some half and half. I spent 24 hours fixing the damn
computer, tormenting high school kids and I get some crap you picked up at a gas
station. Do better next time. I still love ya anyway (probably has something to
do with her being a female). She never reads my site anyway.